Counselling -

3 Keys to a Relationship Rescue

It takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to kill it, or at least disable it so it doesn't come close to it's full potential. A marriage is a team, and both team members need to be committed to the process of rescuing the relationship. Nothing is more disheartening than seeing one member hold the other hostage because of their unwillingness to work on making the relationship better, all the while claiming that they are committed.

1. Be honest about the situation.

Is this something both of you want or just yourself?

It’s important to answer this question before you go any further.

So often the biggest hurdle for people to overcome is that of acknowledging the true state of their relationship and the feelings that both people have towards it. Sometimes it feels like the truth will be too much to handle, so people try to ignore it or put a different spin on it.

“I know he/she loves me, they’re just really busy,” or “they just have a hard time showing it,” or “their career is really important.”

A basic fact of life is that if something is important to us, it will be a high priority. Marriage and dating relationships take committed effort to build. The true test of whether or not it’s a high priority has to do with the amount of time and energy one is willing to put into making it work, or in this case, rescuing it.

2. Be willing to step outside you’re existing comfort zone.

The term is really misapplied because being in a poor relationship is certainly not comfortable. A number of things you’ve been doing haven’t been working up to this point in time. It’s safe to say that each of you will need to do some things, perhaps many things, differently in the future. You will need to learn new and better ways of relating to each other, and this…I promise you, will feel a little weird at times.

The challenge we all face when we want to make changes in our lives is the “fear of the unknown.” We find ourselves unhappy with our current situation. We may have a picture in our mind of what we’d like our future to look and feel like. “But how do I get from here to there?” we ask ourselves.

The reality is that no one can tell you or I “exactly” what we can expect on the journey. Too often, because we can’t get “all” the answers about what the changes will bring, we’ll end up doing little or nothing, which is quite unfortunate.

What I suggest, is to think of it more like an adventure, with some pleasant and some unpleasant experiences along the way. As you’re learning new ways of thinking and relating to your partner in order to rescue your relationship, expect the journey to have some ups and downs.

Be willing to try new ways of speaking and behaving towards each other until they become more natural and “comfortable,” and thus become your “new” and “better” comfort zone.

3. Be patient and gracious with yourself and your spouse as you are learning new skills.

A question I ask people a lot is “who taught you how to build a good marriage?” If you’re like most people and you’re unsure or don’t remember receiving much training, why not cut yourself some slack?

It’s likely that you’ve invested months and years of your life into this relationship, and there are some very strong patterns of conduct you’ve developed as a couple. These habits will not change overnight, because they’ve not been formed overnight. The worst thing you can do is to expect too much too soon from both you and your spouse.

I know this runs counter to many of the “quick fix” promises we are regularly exposed to in the course of our lives, but it’s true.

What happens when we believe the quick fix promise and it doesn’t deliver because it was an exaggeration? We think that there is something wrong with us. False expectations were created, and people end up believing that they’re the problem, not the person or group of people that are promoting the false expectations through their seminar or book promotional materials.

So if you need some help in order to rescue your relationship, accept that perfection is not the goal, progress is.

At times you will feel like a toddler learning to walk, and you know how gracious we are with small children who are learning to walk, do the same for yourself and your partner.

The reason is this…it takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to kill it, or at least disable it so it doesn’t come close to it’s full potential. A marriage is a team, and both team members need to be committed to the process of rescuing the relationship. Nothing is more disheartening than seeing one member hold the other hostage because of their unwillingness to work on making the relationship better, all the while claiming that they are committed.