Counselling -

Are You a Friend or Foe?

It’s safe to say that most people in dating and marriage relationships end up with a partner that is different from them in many ways. These differences are often intriguing to us and provide variety. The hope for a successful marriage is that the different traits each person brings to the relationship will be complimentary. Maybe she’s good with things like tax returns and he’s good at cooking. He might be more sedentary and laid back, while she’s more apt to try new things. There is hope that they can learn to work as a team and build a well rounded life together. But what if these differences end up being sources of friction, then what? How is it that the traits that once were so attractive, know are seen as a pain in the neck?

When single, a person is often looking for traits in a potential partner that will compliment them. This is normal. We all realize that we have areas of life that we’re not very competent in. Many of these areas we have little interest in as well. If a couple can learn to work cooperatively together, then each mate is appreciated for what they bring to the marriage.

So an introvert marries an extrovert. The introvert enjoys the fact that there is someone to carry the conversation. They admire their confidence. But along the way something changes. One or both spouses moves from admiration to competition. In this example, the introvert begins to view their spouse as competition.

The introvert has always longed to be more out going. While single they longed to be with someone who was out going. The belief was that if they were with a more out going person, they would become more like them. Maybe some of that out going behaviour would magically rub off on them.

Now a strange dynamic exists. They are a couple now. When the introvert stands beside the extrovert, his/her introverted nature seems more apparent. It may not have changed. The problem is that their extroverted partner stands in stark contrast to them. Their insecurity about being introverted was a problem in the past. Now it seems like a bigger problem because of the close proximity of their extroverted spouse.

When this dynamic exists, a relationship is in deep trouble.

Competition kills community. The word community means to commune in unity.

Marriage has plenty of challenges that require high levels of teamwork to overcome.

What was once an admired trait, has now become a perceived burden. The jealous partner needs to accept that nothing in life is free. If they want to have more of the admirable traits of their partner, they will need to work for it. They will need to step outside their comfort zone. They will also need to learn to appreciate their own uniqueness.