Counselling -

Fence Sitters - No Longer a Mystery

Do you ever get the feeling that something is wrong in your relationship, but can’t quite put your finger on it? It feels like you’re trapped, and as strange as it sounds, being held hostage. Your physical safety isn’t at risk, but certainly your mental and emotional state is. It makes no sense really. There is just you and your mate. No one is actually holding you hostage in the physical sense. But the feeling won’t easily go away. The feeling comes and goes, and over time it comes more frequently and with more intensity. If this sounds familiar, you’re most likely dating or married to a fence sitter. No big deal right? Not on your life!

A fence sitter never really fully commits to the relationship. No ladies, this is not something men are more prone to have trouble with. Getting legally married doesn’t mean a person gets off the fence and gives it their all. Fence sitting in marriage is certainly an equal opportunity experience between the sexes.

Those who are dating or have married fence sitters often think the problem is about a lack of love. Love may have something to do the problem, but only a small fraction. Fence sitting is about avoiding making decisions for the health of the marriage.

Fence sitting people find themselves deceived into believing someone else can make them happy. They are looking for a rescuer. They avoid making intelligent, well thought out decisions for a fear of failure. They are more focused on what could go wrong than what could go right.

Those matched up with fence sitters face a stiff challenge. They have unknowingly been a part of the problem. They have spent years overcompensating for their underperforming mate. The fence sitter loves the help they receive. They won’t be happy if they’re now expected to take more responsibility for their life.

Those spouses who want more equality in the relationship will need to create new boundaries. It’s natural that this will create some tension. Stick with the process. Fence sitters have grown comfortable with their foot dragging. You are expecting them to carry more of the emotional load in the relationship.

If you’re a fence sitter that is ready to change, be patient. This sort of behaviour pattern is not a candidate for a quick fix. To a large extent, fence sitters have been taught to be helpless. Gaining competence in making marriage decisions is no different than any other area of life. It’s important to start small.

Start by putting the marriage first. Most fence sitters put their work, children or relationships with friends and family first. They have learned to be relatively decisive in other areas of their life. It’s now time to really put the time and energy into the marriage relationship it deserves.

The payoff is tremendous. You’re spouse will be happier for it. You will have earned more of his/her respect. You’ll feel a lot better about yourself. Most importantly, you’ll respect yourself more for doing the right thing.