Counselling –

The Challenges of Gender Specific

Roles in Marriage

Hi, I’m a typical kind of man and I am privileged to live in a box enclosure. This box protects me at times but it also has some very tight restrictions. I’m allowed to have feelings of anger, happiness, and frustration, but this box will not allow me to express my feelings of sadness or hurt. The great thing about this box is: There are very few restrictions placed on how I look. Typical

The female friends I‘m close to also live in boxes it’s just that their box enclosures are the precise opposite. They can have almost any sort of feeling they want and it’s OK. Anger is often one they’re not supposed to feel but other than that, it’s pretty wide open. The downside of their box though; is the restrictions on their physical looks. There are very tight parameters on how they should look which causes many of them untold anxiety.

The box design for each gender worked for many generations. The male box was defined by the male role to protect and provide which includes limited sharing of personal information in order to protect the family from outside dangers. The female role was to attract a man who would provide and protect for her and her children and the way to do that was through her physical beauty.

Many of the problems in marriage today stem from the fact that the boxes we were designed to live in are often not suitable and can be detrimental.

Men need to realize that feelings are neutral, with absolutely no good or bad value attached. The idea that feeling hurt or sad is wrong for men is absurd in our world today. It may have been effective when our main role was as a protector and provider and we needed to “suck it up” for the good of our family, but today men need a much broader emotional base in order to be successful in marriage. We need to learn new skills that are complimentary to our existing ones of self reliance.

Women need to grasp the fact that they are not their body. If a woman lost a finger, she would still be the same person, right? It's widely believed that men are very shallow regarding the physical attractiveness of their wives, but I disagree strongly. The number one reason men and women decide to divorce is because the woman feels he doesn't make her happy and the man feels that he can't make her happy anymore. The most important thing to a man is that his wife is happy and that he is doing a good job.