Counselling -

How to Clearly Identify Whether or Not

You’re in an Abusive Relationship

All abusive relationships are full of fear. There is fear in both individuals, the abused and the abuser. It's very rare that an abuser comes from a good solid home, from a good healthy upbringing. Abuse is passed down through the generations, from parent to child. I have a saying that hurt people hurt people. Abuse does not come out of a vacuum, out of nowhere. By no means am I trying to excuse abusive behaviour, I'm merely trying to shed some light on the issue of abuse and how it comes to exist, how it infiltrates and destroys a marriage and a family, many times through several generations.

The abused person is fearful for their physical safety and emotional well being. They are not respected for who they are, their thoughts and feelings. In most abusive relationships the abusive person has erratic feelings of love and hate for the abused.

This is what keeps the abused person holding out hope. They make a rationalizations about the abuser because they are not all bad, sometimes they're very nice and kind. Abusive behaviour is often followed up by extreme acts of kindness. Acts of kindness that are meant to offset or negate the poor behaviour. As a result, the worse the behaviour, the greater and more grand the efforts to restore trust and instil hope for the relationship.

People who are consistently abused are often confused and don't trust themselves to judge their situation accurately. For those being abused in a marriage for the first time there is shock. If they've never been abused before then the shock can be very debilitating.

Rarely is physical violence done without words, words that are meant to justify the physical abuse that is being done. It's common for many abused people to believe that they are somehow responsible and deserving of the abuse they are receiving. The abuser will blame their partner for their lot in life, for the challenges they have, for almost anything, and in a twisted manner, work to connect this blame to the abusive behaviour.

Quite often the abused person can remain trapped in this cycle of mistreatment because they erroneously believe they are responsible to reform their spouse. If they were to confront the abusive person for their behaviour they would have to admit that they failed to reform them, which they don’t want to do. They have set up a no win situation for themselves, whether they’re aware of it or not.

Going to get help can also be difficult for the spouse regularly being abused because of the shame they feel for allowing themselves to put up with it for so long. They don’t want others to know what they’ve been dealing with because they don’t want to be thought of as weak or incapable of running their life. Feelings of shame can keep them unnecessarily trapped.

One of the keys to hiding abusive behaviour requires the abused to be isolated. Some of the most abusive marriages and families have strict rules that all members must never discuss the nuances and dynamics of their family publicly. Many adult children who've come from abusive homes are ostracized and shut out by other family members for coming clean about the abusive home environment they grew up in.

In marriage, abusers cut off connections to the outside world for their spouse. This helps them gain leverage over their spouse and decreases the objectivity of their spouse to the state of their marriage.

This isolating behaviour that has been extended to the children can make marriage difficult for them once they are adults. They have been taught to suppress their thoughts and feelings and often end up developing compulsive and addictive behaviours. Many of these negative behaviours come from the fact that children erroneously believe that they are the cause of the abusive behaviour.

In closing, abusive relationships require at least two parties to participate. Like a sick dance, both members play a role. If you or someone you know is being abused in their marriage or dating relationship, it's vital to find the courage to say no, and stop taking responsibility for the abusive person's behaviour.

It's fine to have empathy and compassion for another person and the difficult experiences they've had in their past, but their painful experiences do not justify their abusive behaviour towards you or anyone else.