Counselling -

Male Communication Patterns: 101

If you're like many women, you have plenty of questions regarding how men communicate and how you can learn to understand them better. Men have patterns of talking with each other that they try to use when talking with women that clearly don't work. There are often two separate sets of expectations in a conversation between a man and a woman. The lack of clarity that exists about these vastly different expectations is key to the problems couple's consistently have.

It's many years ago now. My friend and I are looking out over a football field watching a team run through their practice and we're talking. We're talking about women, about our relationships with them. There is laughter expressed, frustration, passion of all sorts and of course many more questions than we ever get the opportunity to find answers to. We finish talking and then leave the field. Without a closer look, this verbal exchange may seem the same if not identical to what a couple women might have. The difference is my friend and I barely make eye contact. Throughout over 80% of the conversation, we both look in the same direction, out onto the football field. We look in the same direction. Two women discussing the same topic would spend the majority of the time looking at each other.

So what? How do these sort of a communication patterns affect a marriage?

Both men and women have different expectations about what the purpose of the conversation is about.

As young men we were having a conversation about a particular topic. We were engaged in an activity. As a result of our conversation our friendship had an opportunity to grow. The growth of our friendship was not the main goal of the conversation but a by-product.

Conversely, two girls or women would have the relationship as the primary goal and the topic being discussed as secondary. The topic is a means to build the relationship. A message is being conveyed between the two ladies that the relationship is the first priority.

The topic being discussed is what we as men determined to be the most important aspect of a quality discussion. Women tend to judge the value of the conversation first by how it's being discussed. This is why the main complaint men have is that women are wasting their time with unimportant information. The main female gripe is that men don't care.

What each gender values most while communicating is a reflection of their primary fear. Men's fear is of being incompetent. Women's is of being alone.

For Women: It's often necessary to tell the man your communicating with the relevancy of the information you're sharing, why you're sharing it. If he has a sense of this then there is a much greater chance of you getting your primary need met for deeper intimacy. This can enhance the building of the relationship. Men can and will open up emotionally more as a result. If men find it hard to understand the reason the information is being shared, they are going to be less likely to open up and engage fully.

For Men: Doing less when communicating with a woman is often more effective. If a woman's primary fear is of being alone, there is an antidote. It's for you to listen with no other goal then to hear what she has to say. If she feels heard then you both win. Do less for more success. It's not necessary for you to be in agreement with anything she talks about. You don't have to like anything she says. What she says is probably not a reflection of the job your doing as her mate. What she says may be completely irrelevant to your life. You can feel successful if you can learn to just listen.