Counselling -

Men Can Feel…But Not Too Much

Our social conditioning is something that many people never stop to consider. Our gender plays a big part in how we were trained to respond to different experiences in life. There are many unacceptable responses for one gender that are just fine for the other. If you have a good grasp on how your family of origin moulded you, that’s great. What’s equally important for a successful marriage is the ability to understand and work with the social conditioning patterns your mate was raised with. There are going to be habits that don’t work and need to be dropped. There are also many that are misunderstood yet are being acted upon with the best intentions.

Hi, I am a male. I live in a box. This box protects me at times but it also has some very tight restrictions. I’m allowed to feel anger, happiness, and frustration. The box will not allow much for sadness or hurt. The great thing about the box, is that I have very few limits on my physical looks in order to be accepted in society.

My wife and the women I know also live in boxes, Theirs are the exact opposite. They can have almost any sort of feeling they want and it’s OK. Anger is often one they’re not supposed to feel. Other than that, it’s pretty wide open. There is a downside to their box though. They have tight restrictions on their physical looks. This causes many of them untold anxiety.

The box designed for each gender worked for many generations. The male box was defined by the male role to protect and provide. This includes limited sharing of personal information in order to protect the family from outside dangers.

The female box also worked for many generations. The female role was to attract a man who would provide and protect for her and her children. The way to do that was through her physical beauty.

For Men: Feelings are neutral with absolutely no good or bad value attached. The idea that feeling hurt or sad is wrong for men is absurd in our world today. It may have been effective when our main role was as a protector and provider and we needed to “suck it up” for the good of our family. Today men need a much broader emotional base in order to be successful in marriage. We need to learn new skills that are complimentary to our existing ones of self reliance.

For Women: You are not your body. If you lost a finger would you still be you? Of course you would. It's widely believed that men are very shallow regarding the physical attractiveness of their wives. I disagree strongly. Women most commonly decide to divorce their spouse because he doesn't make them happy. The number one reason men divorce is because they believe they can’t make their wife happy anymore. The most important thing to a married man is that his wife is happy and that he is doing a good job, not that she has a perfect body.