Counselling -

Questions to Ask in a Relationship When Dating

The purpose of most dating should be to find out whether or not the two of you are compatible, hopefully so compatible the you want to spend the rest of their lives together. Failure to ask good questions, questions that you really want answers to, can end up causing a lot of long term pain for all parties involved. When the goal of dating is to find a suitable mate to marry, then the axiom of “pay now or pay later” is extremely applicable. Your ability to ask difficult questions of yourself and the other person is a small price to pay if it helps you avoid an unhealthy or poorly matched long term union.

Here's a few important questions to ask yourself and/or the person you're dating.

Is the attraction mutual?

There's a belief in groups of men and women that certain members of the opposite sex or so desirable, “he's a catch - she's a babe” that the issue of mutual attraction is largely ignored.

Here's an example. Let's say Tony is really attracted to Brittany. He is told by many friends that “he would be lucky to be with a girl like her.” Tony pursues her and wins her over. They date and marry. Now Brittany was impressed by the attention she received from Tony, she felt special, even though she found that there were many things about Tony she didn't relate to or even like. She ignored many of her feelings and thoughts because the compliments and emotional strokes she was getting from him felt nice. She was also concerned about the possibility of no other man wanting her like he did and thus leaving her alone and lonely.

It's now several years into their marriage and it's no secret to Tony that Brittany isn't very attracted to him, that the affection he tries to give to her is not appreciated or reciprocated very much. He feels hurt, frustrated and angry, and their relationship suffers as a result. Is the attraction mutual?

Is the attraction mutual overtime?

Whether we like it or not, it takes time to really get to know each other, to really find out how compatible two people are.

It's well known that most of the activities we engage in each day are governed by our subconscious mind…85 to 90%. These are our habitual behaviours, some that have been with us for decades. The remaining 10 to 15% of our activities are carried out by our conscious mind. We make conscious choices about what will eat for dinner, how to respond to a complaining customer, or what to wear to work.

Early in the dating process we are more conscious or conscientious about our clothes, manners, attitude, etc. We usually want to make a good impression.

Over time, as the relationship becomes more permanent, people tend to ease off consciously trying to impress the other person and their conditioned beliefs and habits that govern 85 to 90% of their daily behaviour become more apparent to the other person.

This is why people who date and commit too quickly find themselves years later looking at their mate and wondering “who are you?” “You're not a person I fell in love with!?!?”

Correct. The person you fell in love life was consciously behaving in a certain manner. The person you're now with is the same, except they’re living from their habits, their habitual behaviour, which is what the subconscious mind stores and references for playback.

A great question to ask when dating is…”are you willing to take the time to date me so both of us can make an intelligent decision about our compatibility?”

The best relationships, the healthy ones, are based on high levels of mutual trust and respect. Trust and respect are earned, not simply given out freely. When we consider deep human relationships of any sort, we are talking about people who have walked together through many different experiences and learned and grown from those experiences.

If a deep, lasting relationship is what you want, then it’s vital to put the relationship to the test while dating.

Marriage is made up of lots of tedious and unglamorous activities mixed in with the terrific and exceptional. Can you talk about somewhat difficult topics during dating, or is it all just about fun, fun, fun?

Your ability to ask important questions while dating will go a long way to determining the likelihood of a good marriage.

Is the attraction mutual?

Are both of you willing to take as long as a year to really get to know the other person and their habits before making a long term commitment?

Our habits are what define who we are. It's not what I do once in a while that is nearly as telling as what I do daily, weekly or monthly.

Is the attraction mutual overtime?

Do you like their habits?

Are the habits they have the kind of habits you want to marry?