Counselling -

Sound Ways to Communicate

With Men More Effectively

Many years ago I had a lengthy conversation with a buddy of mine while we were watching a football practice. We were talking about women and our relationships with them. There was laughter expressed, frustration, and passion of all sorts, and of course many more questions than we ever got the opportunity to find answers to. The conversation ended and we got in the car and drove off.

Now this may seem like the same sort of conversation a couple girlfriends might have except for one very important fact: my friend and I barely make eye contact with one and other throughout the conversation as we both look in the same direction, out onto the football field.

We spent the entire time looking in the same direction. Two women discussing the same topic would spend the majority of the time looking at each other, not away from each other.

How do these sorts of a communication patterns affect a marriage?

Both men and women have different expectations about what the purpose of the conversation is about.

As young men we we’re having a conversation about a particular topic. We were doing something together and as a result of our conversation our friendship had an opportunity to grow. The growth of our friendship was not the main goal of the conversation but a by product.

Conversely, two girls or women would have the relationship as the primary goal and the topic being discussed as secondary. The topic is a means to build the relationship. By putting the relationship first the women are sending a message to each other that this is something worth investing in.

As men we judged the value of the conversation first by what was being discussed and women tend to judge the value of a conversation first by how it’s being discussed. Plenty of men in relationships complain about women wasting their time with unimportant information and women believe that men are uncaring.

What each gender values most while communicating is a reflection of their primary fears: men’s of being incompetent and women’s of being alone.

Ladies, when communicating with a man you may need to tell him why the information you’re sharing is relevant and useful. If he has a sense of this then there is a much greater chance of you getting your primary need met for deeper intimacy which can enhance the building of the relationship. Men can and will open up emotionally more than you realize but not if they don’t see the logic behind the information being shared.