Counselling -

The Good, the Bad and the One Dimensional Male

All people have many facets to their personalities. Yet some people find themselves bound by certain skill sets they’ve developed over time. These skills are often very important in one area of their life, yet can be counter productive in another. This is a real problem for many men in today’s society. I refer to these men as “one dimensional.” They weren’t born that way, they were conditioned to behave that way. Most people respond to favourable feedback in predictable ways. Men are positively reinforced for exhibiting particular behaviours. The challenge comes when these habits collide with what women are looking for in a mate. Women want a broader expression of their husband’s personality. Often this has been conditioned out of him and requires a resurrection process for him to regain buried and discredited parts of his personality.

During the formative years, male talk is devoid of the subjects of raising children and marriage relationships. The adult male mould is still almost exclusively fashioned around a job or career. There is some real merit to this focus. If a couple has children, women are much more likely to be the ones who stay home with them. The man then becomes the primary bread winner.

It’s not difficult to see how this narrow focus can make a man rather one dimensional. The complexities of a marriage relationship require more than a hope and a prayer. Raising children is also not without it’s many challenges.

Once firmly established in the workforce, men are further conditioned in ways that are often destructive to a happy marriage. The marketplace is competitive. A competitive spirit is often necessary to do well. This is not the case in the home. Competition kills efforts to build a harmonious home.

One dimensional men get caught up in competing with their wives. It’s us versus them. Winning becomes all that matters. They tell their wives that certain feelings are wrong. Some live out their belief that time is money in the home as well as at work. They are unaware that with intimate relationships slow is fast, and fast is slow.

They believe that they can’t afford to show weakness at work. It may result in someone else getting the promotion they want. They bring this same coping behaviour into their marriage and parenting. This lack of transparency in the home is epidemic with married men. Millions of women find themselves legally married yet emotionally divorced.

Efforts need to be taken to break this destructive cycle. Relationship and child rearing skills need to be learned. If not, the one dimensional male will dive even deeper into his work. He wants to feel good. He knows how to succeed at work, so he does more of what feels good. It takes real courage to admit the problem and take corrective action.

Being only a good provider is not enough anymore. Men need a broader knowledge base in order to be good mates. This does not require becoming more feminine, just more human. Emotions are not the sole property of women. All feelings are neutral.