Counselling -

Why Don’t Men Show Their Feelings?

The subject of feelings is certainly a hot button between men and women. Men appear to have little interest in the topic and women can’t seem to get enough of it, or so it seems to most men. Biology and social conditioning are primarily responsible for this. The challenge is learning to bridge the gap so the topic can be discussed and understood. Men may not be as opposed to talking about feelings as much as women think, just not necessarily the kind of feelings women are comfortable sharing.

A husband and wife are together at the end of a difficult day for both of them, a day full of frustrations. Things didn’t go nearly as well as they would have liked. The common response by most women is to want to talk with her spouse about the challenges she faced. The common response by most men is to not want to talk about the challenges, better yet, to forget them.

It’s as a result of this typical situation that women often feel slighted by their husbands. All they’re trying to do is spend some quality time connecting with him. The wife pursues him with the intent of talking about their problems and he seems to clam up tight. Why don’t men show their feelings? Doesn’t he care about me?

What’s going on here?

A woman’s greatest fear is of being alone. Her greatest desire is for connection, or intimacy. This means that even sharing bad news with her husband is still better than sharing no news at all for her. What she wants to achieve is a sense that she is not alone in the struggles she faces.

A man’s greatest fear is being incompetent. His greatest desire is to be responsible. He wants to be able to respond and have the ability to stand on his own two feet. Talking to his wife at the end of a difficult day about the things that didn’t go well often cause him to feel like he’s failing her as a husband.

Strangely enough, some of the husbands with the strongest loving dedication to their wives and children have the greatest difficulty sharing their challenges with them. They are trying to protect their loved ones and not burden them with the problems they face. This desire of wanting to protect the family from harm is admirable and should be commended. It can be taken too far though, as it shuts women out from working as a team with their husbands.

For most of history the husband’s role was defined by his ability to provide and protect for his family. His ability to open up emotionally and share his feelings in a constructive manner with his wife wasn’t a defining trait in what made him a successful husband. His ability to endure hardships at work and in battle to ensure the family’s welfare is what was most important in defining his accomplishments as a husband and father. Although expectations regarding marriage and intimacy have changed over the last couple generations, the stoic male warrior is still a primary role men are conditioned for.